Home of a Metal Heart

reading: a top secret character bio
watching: Black Adder III - Part II
drinking: vanilla-hazelnut coffee
showcased art credit: ... ? >.>

I feel like I'm in the holiday spirit and I'm feeling mighty uplifted. I'm a busy bee as usual, spending all my free time writing and feeling pretty enthusiastic about working. I think it's become my life now, just working away on my personal projects.

I'm pretty serene at the moment but I think I should also focus on other things now and then. I REALLY should get back on my school work in all actuality... But to be perfectly honest, working on my stories is just so much more rewarding in a sense. Perhaps not in the long run compared to school, but I get so into what I'm doing and it feels really nice when everything goes according to plan and it's a very comfy reality escape most of the time. But I still feel I need to spread myself out a bit. I called a good friend today and he inadvertently reminded me of why being social is a good thing. Dude is awesome and I've only hung out with him once. It is a must that I do so more often. Cool, down to earth people are hard to find these days and I think I need someone who can calm me down a bit at times. In a way, I just met him, but I do find him to be quite the kick-ass person. Thanks, man. <3

Anyway, I'm just gonna chill and listen to some awesome euphoric easy techno and trance and work on some more character bios until I get a chance to speak to him again when he's done work. And, man, if you feel uncomfortable about me writing about you, just give me a shout and I shall cease and desist but I assure you I feel the utmost benevolence. XD

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!  19 more days till Christmas!

P.S. I feel pretty evil for posting porn up when I'm talking about the Holidays, it seems wrong... funny eh? Luckily you bastards seem to like it and I do too. I just shot the angel on my shoulder in the foot... However, I better be pretty conservative with my journal posts until Christmas is done and over with as I don't have much good Christmas themed porn... But for now here is one of Santa's reindeer who was too much of a pretty boy to pull the sled, so he went into an alternative reindeer career involving pole-dancing and stripping!

showcased art credits: (c) dracojeff

I are back!  Yes, I tend to say that often as I occasionally disappear. But this time I wasn't gone nearly as long as the other times. I haven't written in my LJ for a couple of weeks at least and I've been completely disconnected off of instant messengers and cigarette-free. I've been doing okay I suppose.
Currently I'm just rushing around to finish assignments before the Winter Break and it's not going too badly. Wish I was always this efficient. However, then life would be no fun and I'd be a workaholic, and we simply cannot have that.
However, working on some things have been proven to make me very pleased. For example, I've been working on making my characters very three dimensional for my epic by taking them through a long questionnaire designed to shape and form them. Fun fun, no? Well, I've found it quite entertaining and enthralling. Only problem is that their pretty damn lengthy. It took me about a week to write one biography and questionnaire and it's still not quite done yet. So far it's 11 pages and 8,700 words long, and that's just for my lovely meerkat. In light of this, I may just do these long-ass, thorough questionnaires for my four main characters. I'll do abridged versions for the others as there are simply far too many to go through this process with all of them. Though I enjoy the process, it will waste a lot of time and I would like to have this story written before I'm in my 30's.
On a side note, I have upgraded my Microsoft Office to the 2007 version. It feels damn good! I know, it's sad when this makes me excited, but it's so shiny and new and just fucking pretty. I loves it!

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

reading: poetry for my writer's craft ISU
playing: with numbers... fun...

I'm hoping I'm not jinxing myself by posting this. *cross fingers and knock on wood* Though things have been a bit socially awkward this month, which was a bit of a strange turn, I think my luck there has moved into the financial aspect of things. And I'm willing to sacrifice a bit of Lady Luck's charm in those areas to better things in the money area of life for a bit of time. I know that may sound materialistic or petty, but the truth is, if I want to obtain my goals, which a sizable amount of money will be needed for, then it's going to have to happen. I'm not being greedy in my opinion, I just need enough to support a few things that I really wish to do this year. The rest is simply an added bonus if it comes my way. Besides, nothing in my social life has really gone horribly wrong, my close friends are still my close friends and I'm still always looking to make new ones, I've just had a few experiences that have caught me off guard and kept me on my toes and I have unfortunately had to watch as some people go farther and farther down the path of their own lives as they drift further and further away. The later hurts and cuts to the bone at times, but it happens in life, especially at this age and though it causes an emotional sting, you wish them the best in their endevours.
Right now, I'm looking at the ACER Aspire One for Christmas. A piece of technology I've wanted to get my hands on since they started producing them. I hate laptops at times. I owned one quite awhile back and they can be a bitch to maintain. Especially a Toshiba, which I'm glad to say, I will never be looking at again. But dammit, I've wanted something portable for quite some time. So, this is the compromise. A cheaper mini-laptop/netbook that I can use to gain access to the internet, store media on, and use as a writing tool. That and the thing is so small and cute. If indeed you can define a machine as cute... Yes, with this bloody thing you can. The second thing I must save up for is Anthrocon which I've got plenty of time for. It's an expensive trip in a sense, but not as expensive as flying out somewhere in Europe or Africa with the school like plenty of my classmates seem to be doing for the March Break this year and pretty much every year. This trip will just be a matter of knowing what needs to come first. First I need to pre-reg at con, second I need to work on getting a passport as they take a few months to obtain and I'll be needing one to go down to the States, and then I'll be working on saving the bus and hotel charges as they are critical and subject to change with the economy. That last part in itself is kind of a scary prospect. I also need to pay back a dear friend who bought me an awesome commission when I was strapped for cash. I don't want to keep him waiting. And finally, Christmas is coming and there are many people who deserve presents that are made of awesome, so I'm getting ready for that fun and festive time too.
At the moment, money is stable. I'm working 6 - 7 hours this week on networking and promoting as it's what I get paid for by my client and I have what I call my 'weekly allowance' from my parents. Sad, I know XD  But these two sources together provide good money for someone who needs to be focusing on school work and throwing themselves into graduating this year. The way I see it, AC is a graduation present for finally getting the hell out of high school and it's good incentive. I'm just hoping that there are no more problems with vehicles or that the American economy does continue along its path or decline. The vehicle part is bad and expensive enough, if that happens, I myself will just be struggling, but if the stock market crashes I think the world is in for a bit of a tough time to say the least.
Anyway, I'm done being selfish and going on about what I hope to obtain. I hope everyone is having a decent second half of November and that everyone is doing well in the financial aspect of things as well. I wish everyone the best of luck at this time of year as Christmas is closing in and for a lot of people, that time can be hectic as hell. I'm routing for ya!

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playing: Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core
watching: Jen rush around finishing your costume
eating: a pizza wrap thingy

I'm at Jen's right now preparing to party hard and get trashed. Should be great fun. Hopefully I don't end up dead as that would be disappointing... For me at least. I guess I won't know many people there though, or at least I don't really know them anymore. But I'm thinking all will be well, yeah? Heh, I'm listening to the majestic sounds of Mary's wolf cries. Crazy how the last time I was here she spoke only a few words and now she's running around with a camera going "look what I have!" Time really is flying and I feel like I'm getting old. Anyway, time to party. <3

P.S. No furry porn today, I'm at a friend's house... Who isn't a furry...
 

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

reading: the rough draft of a short story
playing: NO PLAYING IN SCHOOL
watching: the beautiful gray autumn sky out the window
eating: N/A
drinking: N/A

So I'm sitting in school right now finishing up my short story for writer's craft and waiting for class to begin. Not to mention wanting to stand up and dance. Crazy business. I have a sneaky suspicion that this is going to be a long day. Ah well, I can handle it I think.
On a side note, I'll be in Oshawa this weekend. Not that it matters at all really. I really don't have much to say today I guess. Just thought I'd update for the hell of it. You know, just to make sure I don't forget and disappear for months again, heh.

I hope everyone is at least attempting to have a good Monday. I know it's difficult at times. I personally hate normal Mondays, but honestly I don't think I'm alone on that one.

I also want to say thank you to a friend who helped me iron out all the colours for my commission. THANKS, DAVE!

Also, I won't be showcasing any yiffy art in this post. I'm at school, can't really do that. I think you might be able to sympathize. :P

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( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

I'm really excited about going back to school tomorrow. That old academy-like building is my home... Which I ran away from last semester and am now going back to with slumped shoulders and a hung head saying "I couldn't make it in this harsh world on my own." Well, actually, I'm going back with my head held up high and I'm liable to dance in through the doors. And I'm hoping my friends will spot me and dance with me or that would be a slight bit embarrassing. Regardless, school is going to kick ass! Strange of me to say, I know. However, I really am psyched over my finishing year and all the things that go with it. Even weirder I'm looking forward to things like Formal come... whenever Formal comes...
So today will be the day of preparation. Getting all my school stuff together, cleaning up this hellhole of a room, typing up resumes to hand out and find a job so I can save money for Anime North and Anthro Con this year, and doing some drawings for my writing project (first artwork I'll be doing that isn't furry art; should be a gearshift). All of this while dancing to euphoric techno. I feelz good this day.
Oh, and on a side note, I think I like this guy that goes to my school and I get to go see him tomorrow and see what he's all about. Wish me luck. Also, on a side side note, my 19th birthday is just a few days short of being a month away. Woot, I can buy smokes and alcohol soon. Though I'll have you know that I intend to quit smoking in the first week of school if things prove to go well. But alcohol... *hugs a bottle of red*... I wish I could quit you / I don't want to! :P
Hope everyone is having a great 'back to school' experience whatever you are going back to!

I hate that this journal is written in with hurt. It gets redundant and emotional, and I'm writing this more for myself  then for others to read. I need to express it somewhere because I can't simply let it fester inside. So, if you tired of reading moaning and rants, here's your cue to go somewhere else.
This weekend was bittersweet. But now the sugar coating is gone and the after-taste is leaving me jaded. I'm sick of relationships and I'm sick of trying to be a part of someone's life and it not working. They end up becoming attached to me and I integrate into their minds and physical world but I don't think I ever have the capabilities to fully love back. Real fair, eh? They give so much to just have me stick by them and I can't even give them love in return. Or am I searching way to far for such a mystical concept? If love can't be explained than is it possible to search so hard for it that you don't even realize that your in it despite what they say about simply feeling it? And is the grass always greener on the other side? It's all very difficult. Am I unhappy being without someone? Am I unhappy being tied down? If so then were is my happiness...? In sex? Certainly not. It's fun as hell until the person you share it with turns to leave you in a dark room by yourself and slip out the door. I would be irreparably crushed if that were my life, if I couldn't wake up beside someone day after day, but rather new faces that I know nothing of. No, I need something much deeper than that, much deeper. Unfortunately, I don't know what my problem is. Are my expectations far, far too high? Or am I just not finding who I was meant for? Whoever that could be... Maybe you really can't love someone when you are disgusted with yourself. I'm so tired of troubleshooting. I want to rest.

My soul is a desert
Where nothing is comfort
Sheltered from chaos
And sheltered from you

Can't feel you anymore
Don't need you anymore
Don't believe you anymore
I don't need you anymore

Enough with temptations
Illusions are evil
We exist in confusion
Soulless and vain

Can't feel you anymore
Don't need you anymore
Don't believe you anymore
I don't need you anymore

It's broken me down now
This hurts and it's hopeless
Can't look to the future
The window is stained

Can't feel you anymore
Don't need you anymore
Don't believe you anymore
I don't need you anymore

Okay, well it looks like this is the moment of truth. I have made up my mind concerning what I must do. And the consequences in some areas will be the most rewarding of my life, but the flip-side of the coin is that I'm going to have to upset someone greatly.
I've decided I have to go back to school this September and finish my grade 12 and get that high school diploma. My lack of productivity is pushing me to insanity and I have to do this unless I want to wait until my early twenties to graduate. I'll be able to go to my old, friendly school and feel safe while proving that I can do this. Proving that I can finish.
However, someone who loves me and who I care about immensely is going to be hurt that I won't meet him this September. And as we're in a relationship, I don't know how he's going to respond to this. But if I'm going to be my own person, if I'm going to progress, this must be done. I don't expect him to wait for me. Such a thing is completely unfair and unreasonable. He is doing something with his life and he deserves someone at his level. Unfortunately, I'm not there.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. But I know how those words mean nothing in heart break.

Well, I'm still alive. Just got over a nasty stomach flu but I came out on top. XD
I'm in two places at once, I suppose. Part of me is living in the present, and is thoroughly depressed with being there and, because of this, part of me is residing in the past as I listen to music and reminisce over ideas and interesting things from years back and I feel but a smidgen of happiness. But this is not the way to do things. I can't live in a past, it'll just slow me down and end up being just as painful as the present.
I've got to turn my life around and get myself some motivation.
I'm lacking in the faith department with myself and what I need to do.
Gotta change.

Reading: my story
Playing: well, I'm dancing does that count...
Watching: Absolutely Fabulous
Eating: nothing.
Drinking: chocolate milk

Okay, so I feel fucking great today. Dunno why, but honestly, who the fuck cares as long as there's happiness galore! I feel like getting things done today. Getting this goddamn room clean, writing more of my secret project and dancing my ass off to music that I haven't listened to for a long time that are love! Time to get some shit done today and genuinely feel great without falling back into depression!

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Reading: comments on DA
Watching: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Playing: on Livejournal
Eating: Kraft Dinner
Drinking: strawberry-kiwi smoothie

Heh, decided to put these little status like things up as they have them on DA and I like them. So, they'll be in my journal from now on. I should post more stuff up there... AND I WILL!
Very tired, but very serene. Just kicking around for awhile until 9 AM when I can go back to sleep. I'll have been dating my boyfriend for one month today! I know it's not outstanding to most, but I'm happy as it's my first real long-distance relationship and things are going great. He just might not be around today as it's a busy day for him with classes and whatnot.
Once again, Tobias has be scanning around Furaffinity like a shark in the ocean last night and this morning. Fun times. Must do it more often.
Pathetic and weird as it sounds, I hope I make more friends here in the days to come. There are some pretty interesting and awesome people here and I hope it doesn't sound strange or creepy that I'd like to get to know people. It's pretty damn fun.
Now I must depart for more food. I am eating like a horse today. Dunno why, but there it is...
PEACE!

So, this is my first entry in my new journal. I don't usually keep journals, but  maybe this might be a good way to express feelings and maybe vent sometimes when I really need to. It seems this site has a bit more ass-kicking capibilites now. Anyway, I'm simply chillin' at a friend's place and I decided: I'm up, it's late, and I have no real want to sleep. So here I am.
I'm kind of out of it at the moment, so bare with me. I'm feeling a bit weird being here right now. It's not because I used to live here (my friend was my former roommate, awesome guy) and it's not because I'm not enjoying the company of the people here. They're all fuckin' A. I guess I've just become somewhat reclusive as of late. I like to stay at home, tinkering away at stuff and just being alone. But there's a part of me that longs for contact with my friends and  a social life. Conflicting, huh? So, in a way, I just want to go home. Not a great feeling at 5 AM when you're the only one up and no one can take you home. I'm also worried about certain stressing shit as well. Don't want to talk about that right now though. I feel like the killjoy here in a way. Though I've been happy most of the time I've been here (since 6 PM yesterday), I really just want to be in my own bed. Completely uncool, but there it is. So, maybe I'm writing this to remain sane until then.
Well, on to other stuff...
I'm writing a new project with a friend in Britian and it's going really awesome-like. Co-writing has never been this fun and productive before. And it's been a long time since I had anthro characters in a story before. Tonight I was looking at some furry art as I was in the mood to do so and I was reminded how much I enjoy the fandom. I was also reminded of how sexually arousing it can be. Yes, I DO have a furry fetish. First porn I ever stumbled across at around the age of 14 and it's stayed with me ever since. I was just re-reminded of how much I love it. Old fetishes die hard!
So, I've been doing that and researching stuff for the writing project and listening to some music. Just trying to relax a bit really. It's not working so great, but at least I have something to do and I can't really say that I'm bored. I'm just anxious and really wanna be at my house, in my bed, asleep. But, I'll have to wait until morning to do so. When I get picked up and am whisked away home. Could be worse though. I could be drunk or high or both and be here for the night. That would be horrific with a capital 'H'.
My boyfriend's probably asleep right now, but I'm still going to shout out to him. "I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART!" Heh, dunno if he heard. Maybe he might feel it in his dreams or something. Hope so. I miss him.
Anyway, I will now cease my complaining. That's quite enough. The thunderstorm outside is over and I'm beginning to get drowzy. MUST NOT SLEEP. Plenty of time for sleep when I get home to my own bed.